There may be a reason

Have you ever just kept thinking of someone? An old friend or a long-lost family member? Over the course of a few days, they seem to be on your mind an inordinate amount of time. You have the strong urge to pick up the phone and reconnect. My advice is that you should!

When I was a teenager, one of the words of wisdom my mother gave me was: “They may be on your mind for a reason.” I’m not talking about old boyfriends. I’m talking about cherished, forgotten platonic relationships. The friend from high school, the cousin you lost touch with, the neighbor experiencing a difficult time.

There seems to be some internal connection with people we care about that alerts them to our distress. I have experienced this so many times in my life that I know it’s not coincidence. Recently I had one of my “sad days.” It started off with a simple email. The tears began and seemed to never dry up. My children and husband struggled to make me smile, but it didn’t work. Late in the afternoon, I got an unexpected phone call from a cherished friend. She was just the person I needed.

What made her call that particular day? I don’t know, but I’m glad she did! Every time I feel I can’t go on, I get this much needed help. Someone arrives in the rescue boat and pulls me aboard. It can come from the most unexpected source, but it’s always just what I need, impeccably timed.

No one has ever told me I have wielded such a great influence on their day, but I cannot resist the urge when the nagging voice in my head is prodding me to action. It may be sending an email, a card or flowers, or making a phone call—a simple gesture to let them know someone in the universe is thinking of them. It may prevent their drowning. So the next time that inner voice calls out to you, listen! There may be a reason.

It’s okay to feel sad

Some days I wake up sad and go to bed sad. It usually starts with something simple that spirals into deep, dark, overwhelming sorrow. This is not the norm for me. I’m not talking about depression or lifelong sadness. I am talking about weepy, emotionally fragile, cry in my coffee, stay in my pajamas all day and feel sorry for myself sadness. Some people would prefer you never to be sad. I am one of those. I HATE to see those I love sad. My husband battled with a heavy heart a few years ago, and it drove me crazy that I could not make him feel better. I took it personally. Sometimes, though, sadness is the only way to feel happiness. If we are truly sad and keep burying those feelings deeper and deeper, we will eventually lose track of them. Yet they will still exist, just waiting to be accidentally discovered at the most inopportune time.

I have found this to be especially true with my children. There are days when one of them will seem out of sorts. They are weepy, sullen and sad. It’s easy to tell them to “get over it,” but that only prolongs the problem. Even though it breaks my heart, I let them be unhappy. We talk about it and, yes, we usually have a good cry. And after a good night’s sleep, they manage to find their joyful spirit again.

So I have realized that, on the days when I am at my lowest, I must embrace my sadness instead of ignoring it. It’s amazing how our cells seem to remember what we try to forget. A smell, a song, a sound or a memory will bring the waves of anguish flooding in. So instead of running up the shoreline, I jump in and get wet. I feel worse for the time being, but once the sadness passes I feel refreshingly lighter.

It’s okay to have a gloomy day of sorrow. So when they come, don’t panic, and warn those around you that you are having a well-deserved “sad day.” Take some time for yourself and face whatever you’re feeling head-on. Cry, wail and weep. Then get a good night’s sleep, and hopefully by the morning you’ll find your joy again.

Two wrongs never make a right

If my coffee is too sweet, I never add more sugar to fix the problem. It’s the same with our lives. Sometimes we get into difficult situations. We may have made a wrong turn and have lost our direction. Survival books will tell you that the best thing to do in these situations is to stay calm, stop and regain your composure. Usually we do the opposite: we panic and keep moving, ending up far off course.

This happened to my mom when she was in an unhappy marriage. Because she never stopped to regain her composure, she ended up far off her original path. Instead of leaving my dad and finding herself, she made her life much more complicated by finding another man. She says this was her escape route. This new man was the complete opposite of my father. He was young and immature and brought much heartache into our lives.

My mom still lives with this regret and apologizes for the pain this relationship caused her children. Looking back, she knows it was the wrong choice. From her experience, I have realized many valuable lessons. One of the most profound is that two wrongs never make a right. If you have made a bad choice, you can find your way out. The trick is to STOP. Don’t make anymore decisions, evaluate your situation and stay calm. Find a trusted, all-knowing friend, and brainstorm. Throw every possible solution into the air. Write them down. There is no right answer at this stage—just options. Think about them all, weighing the pros and cons. Who will get hurt? What will cause the least damage? Can it be fixed? Come up with plans A, B and C. Then make a decision. Hopefully it will be the right one.

You may know instantly that plan A was the incorrect choice, but don’t give up hope. Move onto plan B, and then all the way through Plan X if needed. If you have made a wrong decision, there is a 50% chance the next one will be right. And always remember, no matter how you add, subtract or multiply, two wrongs will never make a right.


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Your parents did have sex

This idea might make you squeamish. You have two graying, slightly plump people, whose passion seems to have faded and whose biggest concern is the lost remote control. You know them well: they’re your parents. How could these same people ever have been young, vibrant and amorous? It’s a truth no child wants to come face to face with.

It is much easier to believe that your parents only had relations the few times it took to create you and your siblings. Then you reach adulthood. You are young, vibrant and amorous and you wonder: is this how my parents felt? The hormones rage, and you are endowed with passion. You know, in an untapped part of your brain, that at one time your parents were the same way, but this fact you would rather deny.

This is hard to accept when your parents are still happily married after four or five decades. It’s even harder when they are divorced. There is usually an overabundance of animosity. The hatred runs deep. They are now passionately repulsed. But despite this repulsion, thankfully, they still managed to create you.

Sometime before you were born, two people were enamored of each other, enough to take the ultimate plunge into intimacy. They may try to deny this, but don’t be fooled—you are living proof. So the next time you’re with your parents, or your grandparents for that matter, thank them. Their passion is what brought you into this world. It may have been fleeting, it may be long gone, but it did exist. You may never like the idea, but it’s a fact that your parents did have sex.

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Confidence does not equal value

Confidence is self-assurance and trust in yourself. This quality can be funny and elusive. It likes to play hide-and-seek. Confidence is fleeting. It can hold your hand one moment and leave your side the next. Confidence is shallow. It hangs out on the surface but it never reaches the core. It can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

Value, on the other hand, is something deeper. It has nothing to do with external factors. Value doesn’t care if you’re fat, skinny or have acne. It sticks by your side for better or worse. It holds your hand in good and bad times. It reaches into the deepest part of your soul. It’s the belief that keeps you from letting someone treat you badly. It’s the system in place to take care of you. If you value yourself, you’ll take care of your spiritual, emotional, mental and physical health.

You can have confidence but lack value. You may not fully understand your excellence. You can learn to be confident but you have to feel value. Some are born knowing their value, but others are taught their whole life that it doesn’t exist, so they never search for it. Like any treasure, it will take diligence to find your worth. It will take reflection, searching and desire.

I know many confident people who lack value. They do not cherish themselves. They neglect their health, they ignore their bodies, they punish their minds. Every thought, every action, is based on the notion of their own worthlessness. This struggle is like cancer. It’s internal, unnoticed by others. But eventually it will produce symptoms, and sometimes even death.

It is up to each of us to realize our value, to understand what makes us priceless. Value will not fluctuate from day to day. It will be our compass, and will give us wisdom and direction. Our confidence is the decorative wrapping on a package; our value is the gift inside.


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Don’t mess with mama!

There is no shortage of pregnant cats in North Carolina. And somehow they all seem to end up at our house. I suspect word travels fast in the cat world, or that there is a sign written in meows alerting all gestating females that we are the perfect halfway house. Truthfully, I don’t have the heart to turn them away. Mainly because I know how hard it is to be a mother, and I respect their tenacity. Once the kittens are born, the moms will do whatever it takes to protect them. If the mom spots danger, she somehow alerts the kittens, who scramble for safety. As the kittens look on, she will hold her ground and fight with all her might the predator at hand.

With most animals, one thing holds true: you don’t want to mess with mama! I took on many responsibilities when I decided to become a parent. But my most natural instinct is to keep my children safe from predators. They need to grow and explore the world, but if I sense danger the claws will come out. It can be exhausting work, but their lives are at stake.

Children are vulnerable and impressionable. They crave role models. When a family unit is intact, these may be the child’s parents or close relatives. The child will emulate these people. When the family is broken, the child will usually look elsewhere for guidance. They will search for what it is lacking. Because of inexperience, they may choose the wrong person, and this can cause lifelong damage.

When my parents divorced, each of us children looked for what was suddenly missing in our lives. I settled on two of my aunts, who are amazingly strong, capable women. They shaped the woman I would become. My brother settled on my mom’s second husband. He introduced my brother (who was thirteen at the time) to smoking, drugs and alcohol. This new role model shaped the man my brother would become.

The attributes of innocence and trust can be quickly stolen from a child. Make sure that every person you allow into your child’s life is someone you would want them to become! I implore you as a parent: keep your children safe! Fight with every ounce of your being to protect them. Take on any battle necessary, because your children need to know that you should never mess with mama!

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Die in debt

I know this is controversial. As a parent, I would love to leave my children an inheritance. This is the “inheritance” my dad left me: die in debt. My dad got his wish. Not only did he die in debt, he had managed to accumulate no assets that could be distributed to his creditors. This may seem like a bad choice, but it did take some maneuvering.

My father was extremely generous. If it was in his power to give it to you, he would. He never thought twice about debt. He didn’t lose sleep over credit card payments. This generous attitude, combined with, “What, me worry?” was not the wisest financial choice. He lived life to the fullest and managed to accumulate debt in the process. “You only live once,” he would say.

So what did he accomplish by dying in debt? In his words, “It’s sticking it to the man.” Who was the man he so lovingly referred to? It is the system set up to kick you when you’re down. When you’re in dire straits financially, that is when your interest rate is suddenly raised to 55%. The late fees probably won’t matter, because you can’t even afford gas to get to work (if you still have a job).

I understand the flip side. You shouldn’t have debt. It’s irresponsible. Live within your means. Dying in debt is considered stealing. I do not have the easygoing attitude of my father. Debt stresses me out. But in his defense, I have also seen people who have deprived themselves their whole lives. Then they die. The same ending, but to a much more boring story. My dad’s story was anything but boring. If debt was what allowed him to live his life to the fullest, then I am thankful he made that choice. You never know how long your life will be. Live it with passion, enjoy every moment and if you need to, die in debt.

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