Procrastination is expensive

Procrastination is putting off doing something until a future time. Delaying something needlessly. We all have things we don’t like to do. My husband tends to procrastinate when he is treading on unfamiliar ground. Other times it may be something painful we are putting off: a doctor’s visit, eating better, exercise. Then there are the times when we just delay needlessly, for no apparent reason. Maybe it’s a trip, a new purchase or making a phone call.

Time or money may be the root cause of our procrastination. I have mastered putting something off until a future time, and unfortunately this has led to many regrets. Life is fragile and delays can never be redeemed.

A few weeks before my dad died, I had an overwhelming desire to drop everything and go to Disneyland with him. I knew it wasn’t practical, I had no money and he probably couldn’t have gotten the time off work, but the thought lingered. I pushed it out of my mind until some future time. I also wanted to send him a movie that I knew he would enjoy, yet I delayed needlessly. I procrastinated! Those choices can never be redeemed. There is no “do over.”

Every time I talked to my dad he would tell me he was going to come back for a visit. In the spring it would be in the fall and in the fall it would be in the spring. The seasons always changed and we always hoped he would come.

Procrastination was one of his identifying trademarks. We knew he would eventually do it, just slower than most. Sometimes procrastination can save valuable energy. You have had time to make the right decision, which leads to less regrets. At other times, procrastination wastes valuable energy. You have delayed needlessly and have missed a window of opportunity that will never open again. Telling someone how you feel, taking a long-awaited trip, sending that one-of-a-kind gift, making a phone call. In an instant, those things may not be an option, and your delay has cost you a missed chance and given you a life filled with regret. That is the high price of procrastination.

Don’t judge a book by its cover

You never know what’s under the surface. I love to use my intuition to read into any given situation. The problem with this is that we really are only looking at the top layer. It’s like deciding to swim based on the calm, clear water, not realizing there’s a raw sewage leak fifty feet away.

Everyone has their own toxic waste to deal with. Some wear a DANGER! DO NOT ENTER sign, while others deceive you by looking cool and inviting. We really don’t know what’s going on under the water. My instinct has served me well, but in this area it can lead me astray. I either don’t take the time to learn what is really going on, or I form an opinion based on my nearsighted perspective.

Like a book, people can have many chapters. Some are short and simple; others are long and complicated. You have to choose what you’re in the mood for. I know many who on the surface appear sweet and fragile, but that is just a veneer. Others will push you away with their harsh, unrefined attitude, but that's only a cover to protect the fragile being within.

When you go to the library, you have a large selection of reading material, but you usually narrow it down to a select few. This is based on the short time it takes to look at the cover. Unfortunately the surface can be deceiving. It take’s diligence to distinguish what's inside. Like books, the true value of a person is not the exterior, but the interior. Do they change your perspective? Do they make you smile? Do they offer you wisdom? Joy? Or are you left feeling empty and distraught?

We all have a variety of covers. Some are leather, slightly broken in and soft. Others are flashy, hard and new. A few are old and torn after many years of use. Some you can never read enough of; with others you won’t finish the first chapter. So take your time when you search for those that will be a part of your life, because you can never judge a book by it’s cover .

Appreciation is a protection

Saying my son hates the dentist is an understatement. After eight cavities, he knows what going to the dentist involves. We usually tell him the morning of his appointment. This will be followed by crying and moaning, until the dreaded event arrives. When it’s all over and the dentist gives him a wink with the words, “No cavities,” he will sigh and say, “That wasn’t so bad.” Yet I know that in another six months we will repeat the same routine.

His fear of the dentist does motivate him to do one thing: he will spend an exorbitant amount of time brushing his teeth each evening. He will floss, use a special mouthwash, and take as many preventative measures as he can to avoid the agony of another cavity.

In any relationship, appreciation is the preventative care. In order to have a good marriage, you must have two appreciators; two people who are indebted to each other, who overflow with gratitude, who never forget to acknowledge the other person’s efforts. Appreciation can be self-centered. It’s the realization that your life would not be the same without this amazing person. But at the same time it requires you to take the focus off yourself and put it on someone else. It’s not assuming that this person knows how you feel, it’s expressing it. Appreciation is treating a person with dignity: bestowing honor, giving worth, adding to their self-respect.

Why is this one preventative measure so hard for people to perform? One reason is that appreciation requires time and effort. It’s like cooking a good pot of chili: the more you let it simmer, the better it taste. If we slow down and reflect on our lives, the better the appreciation will be. It‘s easy to be rushed, overwhelmed and annoyed. This leads to complaining, fault-finding and minimizing. A second reason is that some people have never been appreciated. They have never heard the words, “I am proud of you,” “Thank you for being a part of my life,” “You are an amazing person.” So to them, showing appreciation feels like getting their teeth pulled. You have to tug and wrench on them before they will show an ounce of gratitude.

I have witnessed a lack of appreciation, and it can be as painful to watch as seeing my son get a cavity filled. I have seen someone’s hard work go unnoticed. I’ve observed efforts go unrewarded. Failure to appreciate is like the sweet, syrupy foods that get stuck in your teeth, slowly starting the decay, forming holes in a relationship. Appreciation is the toothbrush and toothpaste. It is the preventative measure that you perform every day, to keep your loved ones healthy and happy. In any relationship, appreciation is a clinically proven cavity protector.

There may be a reason

Have you ever just kept thinking of someone? An old friend or a long-lost family member? Over the course of a few days, they seem to be on your mind an inordinate amount of time. You have the strong urge to pick up the phone and reconnect. My advice is that you should!

When I was a teenager, one of the words of wisdom my mother gave me was: “They may be on your mind for a reason.” I’m not talking about old boyfriends. I’m talking about cherished, forgotten platonic relationships. The friend from high school, the cousin you lost touch with, the neighbor experiencing a difficult time.

There seems to be some internal connection with people we care about that alerts them to our distress. I have experienced this so many times in my life that I know it’s not coincidence. Recently I had one of my “sad days.” It started off with a simple email. The tears began and seemed to never dry up. My children and husband struggled to make me smile, but it didn’t work. Late in the afternoon, I got an unexpected phone call from a cherished friend. She was just the person I needed.

What made her call that particular day? I don’t know, but I’m glad she did! Every time I feel I can’t go on, I get this much needed help. Someone arrives in the rescue boat and pulls me aboard. It can come from the most unexpected source, but it’s always just what I need, impeccably timed.

No one has ever told me I have wielded such a great influence on their day, but I cannot resist the urge when the nagging voice in my head is prodding me to action. It may be sending an email, a card or flowers, or making a phone call—a simple gesture to let them know someone in the universe is thinking of them. It may prevent their drowning. So the next time that inner voice calls out to you, listen! There may be a reason.

It’s okay to feel sad

Some days I wake up sad and go to bed sad. It usually starts with something simple that spirals into deep, dark, overwhelming sorrow. This is not the norm for me. I’m not talking about depression or lifelong sadness. I am talking about weepy, emotionally fragile, cry in my coffee, stay in my pajamas all day and feel sorry for myself sadness. Some people would prefer you never to be sad. I am one of those. I HATE to see those I love sad. My husband battled with a heavy heart a few years ago, and it drove me crazy that I could not make him feel better. I took it personally. Sometimes, though, sadness is the only way to feel happiness. If we are truly sad and keep burying those feelings deeper and deeper, we will eventually lose track of them. Yet they will still exist, just waiting to be accidentally discovered at the most inopportune time.

I have found this to be especially true with my children. There are days when one of them will seem out of sorts. They are weepy, sullen and sad. It’s easy to tell them to “get over it,” but that only prolongs the problem. Even though it breaks my heart, I let them be unhappy. We talk about it and, yes, we usually have a good cry. And after a good night’s sleep, they manage to find their joyful spirit again.

So I have realized that, on the days when I am at my lowest, I must embrace my sadness instead of ignoring it. It’s amazing how our cells seem to remember what we try to forget. A smell, a song, a sound or a memory will bring the waves of anguish flooding in. So instead of running up the shoreline, I jump in and get wet. I feel worse for the time being, but once the sadness passes I feel refreshingly lighter.

It’s okay to have a gloomy day of sorrow. So when they come, don’t panic, and warn those around you that you are having a well-deserved “sad day.” Take some time for yourself and face whatever you’re feeling head-on. Cry, wail and weep. Then get a good night’s sleep, and hopefully by the morning you’ll find your joy again.

Two wrongs never make a right

If my coffee is too sweet, I never add more sugar to fix the problem. It’s the same with our lives. Sometimes we get into difficult situations. We may have made a wrong turn and have lost our direction. Survival books will tell you that the best thing to do in these situations is to stay calm, stop and regain your composure. Usually we do the opposite: we panic and keep moving, ending up far off course.

This happened to my mom when she was in an unhappy marriage. Because she never stopped to regain her composure, she ended up far off her original path. Instead of leaving my dad and finding herself, she made her life much more complicated by finding another man. She says this was her escape route. This new man was the complete opposite of my father. He was young and immature and brought much heartache into our lives.

My mom still lives with this regret and apologizes for the pain this relationship caused her children. Looking back, she knows it was the wrong choice. From her experience, I have realized many valuable lessons. One of the most profound is that two wrongs never make a right. If you have made a bad choice, you can find your way out. The trick is to STOP. Don’t make anymore decisions, evaluate your situation and stay calm. Find a trusted, all-knowing friend, and brainstorm. Throw every possible solution into the air. Write them down. There is no right answer at this stage—just options. Think about them all, weighing the pros and cons. Who will get hurt? What will cause the least damage? Can it be fixed? Come up with plans A, B and C. Then make a decision. Hopefully it will be the right one.

You may know instantly that plan A was the incorrect choice, but don’t give up hope. Move onto plan B, and then all the way through Plan X if needed. If you have made a wrong decision, there is a 50% chance the next one will be right. And always remember, no matter how you add, subtract or multiply, two wrongs will never make a right.


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Your parents did have sex

This idea might make you squeamish. You have two graying, slightly plump people, whose passion seems to have faded and whose biggest concern is the lost remote control. You know them well: they’re your parents. How could these same people ever have been young, vibrant and amorous? It’s a truth no child wants to come face to face with.

It is much easier to believe that your parents only had relations the few times it took to create you and your siblings. Then you reach adulthood. You are young, vibrant and amorous and you wonder: is this how my parents felt? The hormones rage, and you are endowed with passion. You know, in an untapped part of your brain, that at one time your parents were the same way, but this fact you would rather deny.

This is hard to accept when your parents are still happily married after four or five decades. It’s even harder when they are divorced. There is usually an overabundance of animosity. The hatred runs deep. They are now passionately repulsed. But despite this repulsion, thankfully, they still managed to create you.

Sometime before you were born, two people were enamored of each other, enough to take the ultimate plunge into intimacy. They may try to deny this, but don’t be fooled—you are living proof. So the next time you’re with your parents, or your grandparents for that matter, thank them. Their passion is what brought you into this world. It may have been fleeting, it may be long gone, but it did exist. You may never like the idea, but it’s a fact that your parents did have sex.

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Confidence does not equal value

Confidence is self-assurance and trust in yourself. This quality can be funny and elusive. It likes to play hide-and-seek. Confidence is fleeting. It can hold your hand one moment and leave your side the next. Confidence is shallow. It hangs out on the surface but it never reaches the core. It can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

Value, on the other hand, is something deeper. It has nothing to do with external factors. Value doesn’t care if you’re fat, skinny or have acne. It sticks by your side for better or worse. It holds your hand in good and bad times. It reaches into the deepest part of your soul. It’s the belief that keeps you from letting someone treat you badly. It’s the system in place to take care of you. If you value yourself, you’ll take care of your spiritual, emotional, mental and physical health.

You can have confidence but lack value. You may not fully understand your excellence. You can learn to be confident but you have to feel value. Some are born knowing their value, but others are taught their whole life that it doesn’t exist, so they never search for it. Like any treasure, it will take diligence to find your worth. It will take reflection, searching and desire.

I know many confident people who lack value. They do not cherish themselves. They neglect their health, they ignore their bodies, they punish their minds. Every thought, every action, is based on the notion of their own worthlessness. This struggle is like cancer. It’s internal, unnoticed by others. But eventually it will produce symptoms, and sometimes even death.

It is up to each of us to realize our value, to understand what makes us priceless. Value will not fluctuate from day to day. It will be our compass, and will give us wisdom and direction. Our confidence is the decorative wrapping on a package; our value is the gift inside.


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